And So It Goes
by Beldaran1
Summary: CHAPTER 2 NOW UP!! Post Lies My Parents Told Me - B/S embark on a journey that will change them and effect those around them...and oh yeah put paid to the First!!
1. In Every Heart Chapter 1

Title:                 And So It Goes

By:                   Beldaran1

Spoilers:           Post _Lies My Parents Told Me_, plus minor spoilers for the rest of S7

Summary:         My take on how I would like the rest of S7 to go…and then beyond.

Disclaimer:        The characters of BtVS/AtS are the property of Joss and ME not me…so don't sue! The title to this story is from the song _And So It Goes_ by Billy Joel

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Part 1 – In Every Heart 

_In every heart there is a room_

_A sanctuary safe and strong_

_To heal the wounds from lovers past_

_Until a new one comes along_

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Chapter 1

Buffy leaned her head against the door she had just shut on the man she had long since begun to think of as her "father".  She had never felt so betrayed by anyone in her life.  It almost felt unreal, like this was some weird twisted nightmare that she would awaken from at any moment; but she knew it wasn't a nightmare and that everything that had happened that night was real.  Giles had conspired against her, had deceived her, and ultimately betrayed her.  

And now she could no longer trust him.

Turning slightly, she allowed herself to slide down the door until she came to the floor where she sat dispiritedly.  She was so tired, not the kind of tired where a good nights sleep would revive you, this was the kind of tired that no amount of sleep could cure.  Her soul was tired.  It ached to leave this mortal coil and return to the warmth and succor that only heaven could provide.  Some days, sometimes, it was all she could do to not let that ever present "death wish" overwhelm her and just let some random demon or big bad have that one good day.

But she had promised him she would live, so that one of them was living.

Oh God, at the time that promise had been so easy to make; so easy to give.  Lying in his arms looking into the incredible brilliance of his bluer than blue eyes, feeling safe and loved and so alive she felt like she could fly to the moon and back, death and dying had been the furthest thing from her mind.  So when he begged her to fight, to live, and to never give in to death's allure; she had given him that promise and showed him over and over again that she was alive and was going nowhere.  For the first time she had allowed herself to truly make love to him, to express physically what she had still been too terrified to admit verbally…that she loved him.

For that beautiful moment in time she had loved and felt loved.

And then her ex had burst in on them with his accusations and face filled with disgust and she had allowed old doubts and insecurities and fear to destroy that fragile and delicate bloom of love newly acknowledged.  She had literally been able to feel her self-imposed walls solidifying around her, the ice that had started to melt around her heart take on even thicker proportions, and then she had been filled with rage that yet again her little piece of heaven had been snatched away from her.  When the dust finally settled, she had shattered his heart into a billion pieces leaving him a broken shell of his former self and he had left her broken and numb on her bathroom floor.

Then he was gone and she was left with a whole new terror, the prospect of living in this world without him.

Shaking her head, not wanting to go down the dark lonely road those thoughts would lead her, Buffy sluggishly got up from where she was sitting on the floor and walked across her room to her dresser and looked at herself in the mirror.  She hardly recognized herself.  Who was this person with the face so thin it was nearly gaunt, eyes so listless they could almost be mistaken for dead except for that cold hard gleam that belied the existence of softer gentler emotions?  Was this the face of the General, the leader of a rag tag army of children and misfits?  Was this the face of the Slayer who would stand firm against the legions of hell and once again save an uncaring and unknowing sea of humanity from yet another apocalypse?  Or was this the face of the Woman denied the right to love whom she chose?  The sound of shattering glass broke her silent reverie and it was with no small amount of shock that she looked down at the rivulets of blood dripping from her hand and realized that she had smashed her mirror.

She guessed that answered her question, if it were multiple-choice she would have to go with d, all of the above…General…Slayer…Woman.

Oh, how hard she has tried to not hate them, to not resent them for their selfishness and neediness and unwillingness to just let her live her life without their oppressive restraints.  Her family and friends, the people who claimed to love her and support her; the ones she was suppose to be able to turn to to help her through the rough times and the bad times.  They weren't supposed to rip her out of heaven and then abandon her in this hell on earth.  They weren't supposed to act like she was their personal property with no right to her own opinions, her own wants, her own desires.  And really, what right did they have to dictate who she could be friends with, who she could confide in, who she could or couldn't love; be it a not-so-evil soulless chipped vampire, a newly-soulled insane yet still chipped vampire, or a not-so-newly soulled no longer insane de-chipped extremely pissed off vampire?  Okay, she was beginning to sense a pattern here, and when the hell had all of her love options come to begin and end with Spike?

Spike.

Oh God, she could feel the panic start to well up inside of her, what if he didn't know that she had had nothing to do with Giles' plan?  What if he thought she was in on the plot to kill him?  After all, wasn't it she herself that convinced him go with Robin, that he would be okay with the principal?  Buffy felt a wave of nausea roll through her stomach as she remembered the way he had pushed her away from him and the cold look in his eyes as he regarded her with barely suppressed rage.  Shaking her head in desperate denial, she stumbled back from her dresser, tripping over a forgotten shoe and falling to the floor with an ungraceful thud, barely wincing as her shredded hand made painful contact with the floor in an effort to catch herself.  

He couldn't, he couldn't believe that she would betray him now; not after everything they had been through.  Not after all of the pain and the tears and the forgiveness, not now that he knew she believed in him and trusted him above all others.

The very thought that he might believe her duplicitous compelled her into action, and with renewed energy, she jumped to her feet and raced to her window yanking it open and propelling herself out into the night in search of Spike.

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It shouldn't surprise him that he had ended up here.

After all, this was the scene of his greatest joy and his greatest heartbreak.  This was where she had warmed his cold undead flesh with the heat of her fiery passion and broke his heart countless times with the harsh unrelenting denial of his capacity to love; to love her.  It was here that she would barge in in all of her golden glory full of unattainable fire and demand his help with some demon or other and then threaten to stake him good and proper.  It was in this place that she had entrusted him with the care and safety of her mum and her sister.  Here that she had given him that first sweet chaste kiss and promised that she would never forget.  Within these stone walls he had raged against her untimely death and then fallen into a grief stricken malaise so deep he had nearly starved himself into nothingness, only the remembered promise to his Slayer to protect his nibblet til the end of the world had had the power to force him out of his despair.

In this crypt, his crypt, he had conceived the insane notion that had ultimately sent him halfway round the world into a dank dark cave where he had received something effulgent; the spark that literally drove him insane.  Oh how his soul had burned, the unrelenting cries of his victims, the awful staggering awareness of the monster he truly was, and the gut wrenching remorse and shame of hurting his Buffy.  And underneath it all, the persistent and annoying buzz of the First whispering toxic nothings in his ear.  He was man enough to admit that he was love's bitch, but he drew the line at being the First's bitch.

And now, thanks to that git Robin, what kind of nancy boy poofter name was Robin anyways, he was no longer the First's bitch.  He was his own man once again, and damn if it didn't feel good.  At first he had been filled with white-hot rage at being trapped and deceived by an apparent ally, led willingly to the site of his contrived assassination, and being summarily beaten and tortured by a has been slayer's brat and the suppressed memory of siring his own mother.  Then it had hit him, it was his choice; he could rip out the wanker's throat or he could let the wanker live.  He had felt himself balance on the edge of the precipice, one choice would lead to his damnation and the other would surely lead to his ultimate salvation.  The choice had been surprisingly easy.

Walking away from the ironic site of yet another rebirth, he had still been filled anger, and yet he had also been filled with a peace he had never before felt, not as a human and certainly not as a vampire.  It was with this incongruous mixture of anger and peace rolling around inside of him that he had sought refuge in the night, away from the noisy house on Revello and away from Buffy.  He needed time to think and to assimilate what had transpired that night; he needed to be alone for a while, and most of all needed quiet.  

He had wondered all over Sunnyhell, absentmindedly killing any vamp or demon that had had the misfortune of crossing his path, mulling over the various twists and turns his life and unlife had taken…  

From insipid useless human to one of the Scourge of Europe...  

From Slayer of slayers to lover of one beguiling golden Slayer…  

From the original Big Bad to a tarnished quasy gray hat...  

From an unrepentant soulless demon that gloried in wrecking death and destruction to a love-stricken soulless demon who sought redemption for the love of two women and one young girl who all had Summers' blood running through their veins...  

From a soulful vampire driven insane with guilt and made to be the First's play toy, to a soulful vampire that had finally managed to find the balance between self and soul...  

He shuddered to think where next his unlife would take him.

Right now, what he did know was that his will was once again his own and now that he could no longer be triggered by the First, he could focus all of his energy and concentration into helping his Slayer fight off this latest apocalypse.  He would watch her back and fight at her side, and this time he would not fail her, this time she would not die.

With this thought foremost in his mind Spike turned away from his perusal of his former home and faced his Slayer.  He had known the instant she had entered his old cemetery, the visceral feeling running through his body alerting him that she was near.  He allowed his gaze to sweep over her face and body until he found the source of what had caused both his demon and his soul to surge with the need to protect and avenge.

"Luv? What happened to your hand?"

tbc…

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Thanks.


	2. In Every Heart Chapter 2

Title:                 And So It Goes

By:                   Beldaran1

Spoilers:           Post _Lies My Parents Told Me_, plus minor spoilers for the rest of S7

Summary:         My take on how I would like the rest of S7 to go…and then beyond.

Disclaimer:        The characters of BtVS/AtS are the property of Joss and ME not me…so don't sue! The title to this story is from the song _And So It Goes_ by Billy Joel

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Part 1 – In Every Heart

_In every heart there is a room_

_A sanctuary safe and strong_

_To heal the wounds from lovers past_

_Until a new one comes along_

                                                                                         ~~*~~

Chapter 2

"What?"

To be honest Buffy couldn't for the life of her recall what Spike had just said, she had seen his lips moving and heard the velvet timbre of his voice, but the actual words held no meaning for her.  She didn't want them to, she wasn't ready to hear him and she was just too afraid of what he might say.  While she had been out looking for him all kinds of possibilities and scenarios had run through her mind, each worse than the one before.  Until by the time she had entered his old cemetery and his presence, somewhere nearby, had set her spidey senses tingling; she had come to the conclusion that he believed her to be treacherous in the plot to kill him.

If he believed…if he believed…oh God…what if he _did_ believe!!!  He would leave her, after all that's what they all did.  They always left her because she wasn't good enough or strong enough or weak enough or just plain _not enough_, and after all of the horrible things she'd done to him…of course he'd leave.  Just like her dad, and Angel, and Riley; even _Giles_ had left her, not once but twice.  She was cursed, she knew it; doomed to be left behind by the men who mattered most in her life.

"Luv, your hand.  How'd you hurt your hand?"  Spike repeated his question slowly, his voice automatically settling into the soothing calm tone he'd often used on Dru when she'd fallen into one of her spells.  Whatever had happened to her had obviously caused the girl to go daft.  She was looking at him with an empty expression on her face and with eyes that looked to be void of any thought.  She was quite frankly starting to scare the piss outta him.

Buffy could feel her heart start to race at the awful realization that he probably hated her now and the little bit of hope she had been desperately clinging to in her heart slipped away.  She could feel her body going numb and her chest tighten painfully as she struggled to breathe and tried to focus on what he was saying.  What was he saying?  Was this it?  He couldn't…he couldn't…"You can't…you…you…"

"BUFFY!"  Spike yelled as he raced across the crypt, seeing her start to sway as if a stiff breeze would finish her off, he was afraid she would collapse and crack her head open on the stone floor.  If it could his heart would have skipped a beat when he saw her legs give out from under her, and with a final burst of speed he managed to get to her just in time.  "Luv?  Pet, what's wrong?  What's happened?"

"You…you…" Buffy managed to gasp as she felt his strong arms wrap around her and lift her up high against his chest.  She felt so safe in his arms; they were the only place that made her feel safe anymore.   She couldn't lose this haven; everything else was _so hard_ except for him.  With him she could just be, she didn't have to hide or pretend; he knew her, all of her.  "_Please_," she whispered, trying to impart everything into that one worded plea; imploring him with her eyes to understand and disavow. "_Spike_…"

Spike stared hard at her for a moment, taking in the ashen appearance of her face, the dark circles under her eyes, and the fear and desperation that was coming off of her in waves.  "Oh luv." he sighed, understanding of exactly what she was trying to say causing his heart to break a little more.  Holding her closer he bent his head and buried his face in her hair and breathed her in, honey and vanilla and that unique scent that was just Buffy.  

How she had come to such a daft conclusion he couldn't comprehend.  Didn't she know by now that there was no place and no where he could possibly go that wouldn't lead him straight back to her?  And here she was putting herself into a tizzy, gasping for breath and barely an inch from full-blown hysteria; when she should know that he could never…would never… "Silly girl, I would _never_ leave you!"

Even though her hair muffled them, Buffy heard him; and the words were balm to her soul.  Closing her eyes, she tightened her arms around his neck as waves of relief overwhelmed her.  He wasn't going to leave; he wouldn't abandon her like the others.  She didn't realize she had started crying until she heard him crooning to her over and over…"shhh luv…everythin's alright…I'm here…not goin anywhere."  Then it was like a dam bursting and the tears gave way to gut wrenching sobs.

At first she didn't know why she was crying so hard, and then it hit her; she hadn't cried, really cried, since her mother died.  Not when Glory took Dawn, not when she'd been ripped from heaven, and not even during the long lonesome months that Spike had been gone when she'd missed him so much it had become a constant piercing ache in her soul.  And now, once again wrapped in the safety of his arms, she felt free enough and safe enough to finally let it all out.  Free to let go of the pain and the sadness and the loneliness and the crushing weight of her duty.  With him she could cry for the Slayer and the Woman.

Carefully cradling Buffy in his arms, Spike walked over to the couch that Clem had added to the crypt, and sat down.  Gently rocking her as he rubbed his hand up and down her back, he didn't try to stop her tears; he knew they were a long time in coming and that she needed to cry it all out.  "That's it pet…let it all out…Big Bad's got ya." He whispered soothingly.  It never failed to break his heart to see her sad or upset or in pain, so it didn't surprise him when he felt his own tears wetting his face as he cried right along with her.

For a long time Spike held her as she finally released the wellspring of tears that had built up over the last few years, until the sobs wracking her body eventually ran its course and she began to calm down.  Buffy sighed in contentment as a warm lethargy settled over her, it felt so good and peaceful here in his arms; like nothing could touch her here or hurt her.  But, even though she now knew he wouldn't leave her, she needed him to know that she hadn't betrayed him; that she would _never_ betray him.  "Spike?"  She whispered softly, "I have to tell you something." 

Spike had continued to gently rock Buffy even after the storm of tears had ended and she had settled comfortably in his lap.  It had been a very long time since she had allowed him to hold her in his arms and he was determined to cherish every moment of it.  He tried not to stiffen at her softly whispered words, but old habits had a hard way of dying and he couldn't help that small part of himself that braced itself for acrimony.  

Too many times in the past he had offered and provided comfort and support only to get kicked in the face and a fistful of hateful black words thrown at him.  As much as he loved and admired his Slayer, he couldn't deny that sometimes his Buffy could be a right spiteful bitch.  So it was with no small bit of trepidation squeezing his gut that he spoke, "What is it luv?  You know you can tell me anything pet…anything."

Slowly Buffy pulled away from Spike until she was sitting up in his lap instead of lying against him.  Unable to muster the courage to look in his eyes, she instead found herself focusing on the collar of his duster.  She had felt him start to stiffen and she hated herself for all of the pain and misery she had rained down on him, but she couldn't let herself get lost in self-recrimination no matter how warranted she felt it may be.  Now was not the time for that.  

"I…I," she started and then stopped.  Appalled at finding the words stuck in her throat Buffy looked up into Spike's eyes, and the depthless love she could see shinning back at her eased the tension building up inside her.  Taking a deep breath she released it and the words that had become lodged in her throat, "I didn't betray you Spike!  I didn't know that Giles had set you up; I _swear_ I had nothing to do with it!"

                                                                             ~~*~~*~~*~~

Rupert Giles slowly swallowed another sip of the scotch of which he was currently partaking.  Sitting in the Summers' dark empty kitchen, he took what small joy there was in the blessed silence that surrounded him.  It was only during the dead of night that the overstuffed house finally quieted down and he could take respite from the noisy goings on of the waking hours.  And tonight of all nights he desperately needed the breather.

Try as he might, he just couldn't pinpoint the moment that he had failed.  When had she stopped listening to him?  When had she stopped looking to him to guide her?  When had she stopped confiding in him?  When had she stopped seeking him out for council?  When had she just plain stopped needing him?  And when for God's sake had she started viewing him as a washed-up old man?!?

For the love of all that's holy, all he wanted to do was help her in the face of this latest battle.  He had a lifetime's wealth of knowledge and experience at his disposal, and yet the stubborn girl refused to take what he was so willing to give.  If she would only heed his warnings and rid herself of what was surely a dangerous threat to not only herself, but to the potential slayers given into her care.

No, instead she chose to protect and harbor a vicious animal, a killer of the worst sort.  Oh the gall of that…that…_thing_ to look upon his slayer with lustful hungry eyes.  He should have killed him years ago when Spike had first made known his sick obsession with Buffy, but no, he'd allowed pity to get in the way of duty.  It was a mistake he was now paying for in spades.

Every time he saw her look at the bleached vampire with longing and love in her eyes it made his stomach twist and roll with nausea.  Again he was forced to watch his slayer fall under the spell of yet _another_ vampire, it was a sick perversion that he mustn't…no wouldn't…allow to continue.  After the debacle with Angel, he had sworn that he would never let Buffy succumb to the depraved advances of other vampires.  He had drilled it into her over and over again that all vampires were evil disgusting things that needed to be killed quickly and efficiently, that they held no redeeming qualities whatsoever.  But he had obviously failed, miserably.

Taking another swallow of his scotch, Giles tried to rein in the rage that seemed to have become his ever-present companion.  He knew he was a walking time bomb, tick tick ticking along, waiting for the fuse to run down and the inevitable explosion to occur.  Everyday the inferno of his rage burned hotter, the control over his temper weakened; and he only hoped that when he did blow, Spike would be standing at ground zero.

Nothing would please him more than for Spike to be destroyed by his hand.  He really should have taken care of the pest himself instead of leaving it in the hands of the Principal.  Only he had thought it would be justice at its ironic best for the annoying vampire to be killed by the son of the slayer that he himself had murdered.  Justice apparently was a bloody bitch and irony a lost cause.

No, this was something he would need to do himself; only now he would have to bide his time and wait for things to cool down.  Tonight's fiasco had been too costly, not only had he lost the trust and confidence of his slayer; but the stupid git was still walking the earth.  He would need to regain Buffy's trust and then he would make her see reason, he would show her that you just couldn't put your faith in a vampire no matter how soulful or remorseful they appeared to be.

Then he would get rid of the vermin and Buffy would thank him for saving her.

Yes, it would all work out in the end, it just had to.

Tbc…

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Thank you all for the wonderful reviews!!!  Yes, I absolutely love the song _And So It Goes_ and thought it was a perfectly Spuffy song!  Also, this is just the beginning of a rather epic journey for B/S so I hope you all stay along for the ride!!

Please continue to leave reviews and let me know what you think…love it…hate it…have a question about something…drop me a line!!

Thanks.


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